The streets sparkle like silver
now that the rain has changed into snow
I could see a dazzling future the color of a dream
that Christmas Day
I looked at you and smiled
on that holy night,
yet your tears overflowed
"I'll love you forever..." So why?
Now the dancing snow is starting to disappear
I look up at the distant sky
Someone new is waiting for me,
but I still harbor those feelings that I can't shake
We used to laugh together back then;
we weren't afraid of anything
But I hurt your gentle spirit
that Christmas Day
Now I'm wandering aimlessly,
searching for those hopes and dreams
The sky I gaze up at
is too big for me to grasp
even if I were able to reach it So Why?
Now the dancing snow is starting to disappear
I'll take the unwavering feelings of that time
and go forth into a new tomorrow,
because we can't go back to that story
As I keep on walking, I can't help but wonder
as the snowflakes melt in my outstretched hand
if maybe someday we'll meet again
and finally be able to tell each other how we really feel
little miss.
Melina Eng, Lyna or Mel for short.
I breathed my first on 29th July 1993.
Some know me as Little Miss Random,
or the lil emo kid IMMA HAPPY GIRL RIGHT NOW!
Currently studying my forth year in CHIJ Secondary (Toa Payoh)
So here's my life, in bold, italics, and underline.
and she loves photography;
and she loves reading;
and she loves shopping;
and she loves exercising;
and she loves fishing;
and she loves doing her nails;
and she loves hanging out with her friends and family;
and she loves her friends and family;
but most of all, she loves God 'cause He is her mighty saviour :D
There are more to come, but almost all of them can be bought from Forever21 online.
If you get any of these for me anytime soon(cause some of them are final sales), I'll love you even more!
▪ Camera (Any suggestions?)
▪ New Phone(iphone 4)
▪ Headphones!(my earpieces are seriously dying)
▪ Belted Shoulder Bag
▪ Watch
▪ Belts of varying thickness
▪ Black and green jacket/hoodie pullover
▪ Painter's Skinny Jeans
▪ Gently Faded Skinny Jeans
▪ Creased and Frayed Skinny jeans
▪ Decorative Fishnets
▪ Heels
▪ Flats
▪ Put GOD first in my life
▪ Be the salt and the light of the world
▪ Do QT daily
▪ Play the keyboard better
▪ Learn how to play the awesomely rocking Bass and the totally slammin' drums
▪ Run every weekday and GET THOSE SKINNY LEGS ASAP
▪ Attend prayer meetings
▪ Meet my (RL)fandoms!
No pictures or the usual music, mood, location this time, cause I swore to myself that I would sleep after reading that 20 chapter fic. Gosh it was long, but it was good. Kept me up for hours! Sigh, the things that flew through my mind were rather depressing, so to say. Even with all the fluff going on in the fic.
I am...a coward.
There, I said it. I ran away from things, I refuse to accept reality. Being in denial, living in my own made up fantasy world, my only nirvana. It seems so much happier that way, so much safer from all the troubles of the world. Thing is, one must learn how to step down from cloud nine and garner up all the courage one has and face reality.
It thundered, just now. Not only did it echo through the whole house, it made everything shake. The ground was shaking so hard as if a major tremour just hit it due to the aftermath of some earthquake at some place in some part of the world. Maybe I'm exaggerating but you get the idea. A wave of fear overwhelmed me. It was going to rain, but it didn't. Thank goodness for that.
Like any other similar situations, I'll avoid it, I'll not look up over there anymore, I'll not make it my daily routine to go there anymore when I know so well that it will only bring me hurt. It may not be raining outside, but it's raining inside. I wished it would stop raining for I thought I would be over it by now, but no. Obviously I'm not when it comes running straight to me everyday.
I wanted my eyes to be blinded by sunlight, not fatigued from the many tears I have shed. I wanted to say or rather, shout these words.
"You're the worst mistake I've ever made. I want to give up on you, once and for all."
It sounds harsh, doesn't it? That's why I won't say it cause it is too unlike me to say something like that. I'm not known for saying such words and I don't want to. Why is it that when I do something downright unlike me, when it is really just part of another facet, they are appalled by it and in some cases, it damages the friendship?
The only thing I can do is to harangue myself for all the mistakes that I've made, but honestly speaking I am flabbergasted by the reaction given. We used to laugh together, we weren't afraid of anything. Now even speaking much less a whisper between us is like a taboo of some sort.
I can't accept the fact that it's over, but it is.
One more thing,
Happy Sweet 16th, Huilin.
I shall end here, cause raking up the past is depressing. There's no one to cry to, there never was.
Listening to:Ichibu to Zenbu, B'z Mood: Sad, and I'll be depressed if I keep thinking about it. Location: in the hall, home alone.
you only know a little of me.
Time to listen to Ichibu to Zenbu again, in an attempt to cheer myself up. Going to see the doctor now.
The one who's left out, out of the five.
I'll be changing my header and blog song soon enough, after next Wednesday when everything's over. Honestly, can someone just stop me from thinking so much? Taking note of small little details that may seem nothing to others, but the world to me. Interpreting them is what makes things bad. It's not even raining yet and I'm already so under the weather.
So many things happened during such a short period of time, and I guess I'm the one who's to blame after all. If only those words stay hidden, things would still be the same. Everyone would be happy. A insignificant spec in their lives, yes I am, aren't I?
Yes, I'm always in front of you. Right in front of you. I've never been fake to you. I sound fake? How? Explain it to me. I"ll give in to you, I always will. I am what you see and if you don't believe, I don't know how to make you to believe. Something was telling me not to go and see what you've written, but I wanted to anyways. You are and will always be my friend, no matter what. I don't care if you don't reply but I care that you read. I don't care that you don't want to talk to me, as long as you're feeling happy.
My limits, I know my limits, but do you know them? I don't know yours but you could say it. We could just sit down and just talk. I don't mind if we get into a fight but as long as through that, if we get to know each other better, (shit, I think I'm going to cry) I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind it at all. I don't want to lose a friend, never again.
Well, I know that what I say may sound like I'm trying to please the people around me, but I've always lived by this rule: treat people as how you want them to treat you. I've always lived by this rule, always. Oh fine, it's more of a a saying, not a rule. After the bullying incident (I know you know that, I told you in a rather jokingly matter cause I didn't want it to affect our happy jolly mood then. You know, be all depressed and stuff. It's just not fun anymore when I don't see my friends smile.), I read about it so many places, I heard about it from so many people that those who get bullied turn bullies themselves, so I never thought of being mean. I never liked being mean. I never liked being mean from the time I started my time in IJ. Never. I never wanted to see my friends cry because of what I did, or I'd cry too.
I am not a bimbo. I may act or sound like one to you, but I don't think I am a bimbo, neither do I like to be labelled as one. I wanted to be nice, to everybody, to anybody whether they are popular or not. Then there was the thing of being influenced by people, and my well, popularity(I don't know, I don't like to use that word on myself) being destroyed. I can strike up a conversation with even that girl, even though I'll feel awkward, but I know how she feels, wanting to be accepted and all. I know y'all don't like her, but try to understand, please. It's tough being a misfit for three years.
I have friends, yet, yet... I don't know what to say anymore. I just think that friends are fun to make and I know intruding on conversations are rude, but yeah. I'm sorry. I really am. I'll not do that again, then. Trying to keep up this facade is not good for my emotional health, and I want to cry. But I always cry to you. I always thought I could count on you, for everything.
We both are challenging, but I'm not to that extent. Really. Who competes to see who has the largest amount of friends anyways? I shall stop here, or I'll really start crying.
Bell, I'll tell you everything when I see you next time.
Grades grades grades... RAH. It's not pretty, that's all I can tell you. Lets just say the teacher's red pen ink splattered all over my papers. =,="
English: 64 (B4) Combined: 61(STILL a B4. Thank God. :D)
Chinese: 49.75 (D7) Combined: Most probably a pass, though I deproved a lot.
Mathematics: 50 (C6) Combined: 56 (C5) A very disgusting pass. I dropped 14 marks. 14MARKS.
Humanities Geography: This one almost killed me. I'd never expect myself to score so low. Social Studies: 25/50 (C6) And I thought I would fail. Was so prepared to do so too. Combined: A fail, I guess.
Sciences Chemistry: 55/65 A-W-E-S-O-M-E-N-E-S-S! Biology: 39.5/65 Combined: 72 point something (A2). Happy but not THAT happy. I was aiming for an A1. Art: 67.9 or .7 (B3) Bad. Though I expected it. I SCORED HIGHEST FOR THE DRAWING AND PAINTING PAPER!
I looked up to the sky and saw clouds, not those white cotton candy-like puffy clouds, but those dark grey clouds. As f it was some warning.
I knew, that something bad was going to happen today. Today was the checking of scripts. Once again, I was right. Though to blame God would be the easy way out, but that would be ridiculous. I blame no one else but myself. I brought this upon myself. I have to suffer the consequences.
My results are pretty bad. A pattern, you see? The people who did rather well, or did a fantastic job for mid years had not so pretty grades for End of years. Looks like I did burn out. I am satisfied with my English, though I could have done better. I barely scrapped passed a B4. After combining it with mid years, I only managed a pathetic 61. An improvement from last time but still...
Humanities were the worst. Never did I expect myself to pass on the dot for Social Studies and fail Geography. I dislike Social Studies and LOVE Geography. Surprisingly, I got 15/25 for my SEQ, although I could have gotten a few more marks if I finished the second part of the last question. SBQ was alright I guess. 10/25. A pass, which is good, since I wrote some crap here and there.
Really, I never expected this. Reading my book was the only way to stop me from bursting into tears. My hands were trembling and my lips were quivering. A few more words from Chelsea and you would see a waterfall. I practically enclosed myself in this invisible box. Trying desperately to block out all the noise and stuff.
As for Chinese, I almost passed. I just need 0.25 marks to pass. I totally screwed up my compo. I almost spazzed out when I saw my marks.
*sigh* Looks like I failed. I failed to get my 5 'A's and failed to prove the graph wrong. It may not be the end of the world, but it feels like it. Gosh, I feel real awful now. I've never failed anything else but my Chinese. *sobs* Nande? Doshite? Wae yo?
Am I destined to follow in my brother's foot steps? ------------------------------------------------------ Now I have to break it to Joey that I can't go to the Kpop concert and fan meeting. Not only that, I'll be missing my class party. Ice skating will be later so its alright. Oh wells, you win some you lose some. DANG. I hate myself.
I REALLY LOVE BAND AND THE REASON FOR ME QUITTING BAND IS JUST OH-SO-PATHETIC.
I mean, I have the band blood in me. Both my siblings were from band. D: I was the the most enthusiastic one in my section, always bringing my intrument home after every practice no matter how heavy it was. :D I played it at home, I played it at church. So much that my muscles started to hurt.
I didn't mind it at first but it was getting worst. Every two weeks my muscle would ache and I can't do anything to it to ease the pain. I can only put that horrible counter pain and risk missing another band practice.
The essential elements book was all I had left, but I threw it away as it was no longer needed. Now I realized how important it was. It wasn't just a book filled with simple songs that I could play with out any difficulty, it was a piece of memory. One that I threw away.
My first and last concert. I still remembered it clearly. We arrived at CJC in our band uniform, and had our routine check on out attire and stockings , hair and all. I adjusted my blazer, so that I look alright, and not some weird rectangle thing. Once that was done, we moved our intruments up. We helped the percussions as they had quite a number of large heavy intruments. Soon, we were all standing back stage, walking around in our court shoes. Butterflies filled my stomach as I watched the other sections practicing their parts. My heart missed a beat as the MCs welcomed us on stage. We walked briskly towards our seat, trying to avoid the eyes of the audience and braced ourselves.
Mr Tan came in from stage left,(our right) and smile to the audience as he approached the podium. He lifted up his baton as a sign for us to raise our intruments, preparing for the song. And we were off. Melodious music filled the hall. the first song was Canto, and the heavy sounds of the trombones and the tuba gave the song much emotion. The second was my personal favourite, Der Vogelhandler(I forgot how to get the 'a' with the two dots on top of it).
Me being a junior, I was told to play the third trombone part, as it was the easiest. We focused our attention on the baton, waiting for the signal to start playing. With a swift flick, we started off, with brasses and their wonderful high pitched introduction that was too hard for us juniors to play. However, we did attempted to play it during the following band practices.
We had to look at both the scores and the conductor. Thankfully, if you have been in band long enough, you would have an in-built metronome. Still, we had to look at the conductor as our in-built metronome wasn't perfect. It would be, in time to come.
We counted and stared at our scores, praying that we wouldn't get lost. We were at the slow part, where only the seniors played. It was just so indescribable. We joined them later when the song started to build up. That was where I got lost. I had to act professionally. That was what the seniors said. I had to look as if I had some solo part to play, and not look like I'm actually lost. I broke in to cold sweat and started panicking. I tried desperately to find out where they were. I skimmed through the top half of the page and finally found a tune that I recognised.
What a relief! Then there was a crescendo which the seniors made sure we played it right during the the sectionals. The third act was right after the slow part, which starts at figure K. Soon, the percussions blew the whistle loud and clear, which never fails to suprise me. Although I had some difficulty trying to get the third at right during the sectionals, with much practice, I finally got it. I was filled with indescribable delight. We played our last note. With another swift flick of the baton, it was over. Breathless, but we had fun.
The hall was filled with a rousing applause, as we exited via stage right. We finally did it. Our first(and my last) concert was a success! We had a great dinner later, with the eclairs practically screaming, "eat us!". The court shoes were hurting our feet, so we decided to take them off. Then phyllis exclaimed, " Melina! You're bleeding!". I looked down and broke in to hysterical laughter.(Everyone was staring at me ^^'). my stockings had the company's info printed in red in which I had much difficulty trying to hide to. :D Our past seniors then saw us and congratulated us, giving each and everyone a rose to take home. How sweet of them!
*sighs* I'll never be able to get into band ever again. I hate myself for that. D: Yes, yes Shannen. You're absoloutely right. *sighs* How I wished you were just so wrong. I could still remember, that we played for another school event. The Big Fun In The Sun was one of the most enjoyable pieces I've ever played, next to Der Vogelhandler. The surfer thing was one of the hardest to play. Not only did I had difficulty side reading when I first got the scores( I bet that I wasn't the only one), the notes were rather alien to me. They were the really high notes, which were challenging but fun to play.
I was rather embarassed when I approached my buddy for help on identifying the notes. Finally, it was our big day. Not only did I screw that part up, the seniors were watching me play which added to the stress. Still, they were all smiles and even stayed back to hear us play during the sectionals.
*sighs* One of my ex-seniors even complimented me on what a good sound I had. Mr Tan(the conductor) even remembered my name. *sighs*
I got to stop living in the past. not only does it bring back both hurtful and happy memories, it's also not good for my emotional health.
rah. i'm so pissed right now. seriously, i know that this is wrong. honouring my parents. bah. it's just so hard. i just..i can't.. argh. damn it. i mean what did i do wrong? why must you fuss over every little thing? i'm still a teen. i have my life. don't steal mine and don't, and i really mean DON'T shatter my dreams. if you do, that's it man.
first it started with me using the com too long. fine, that indeed was my fault. SORRY ALRIGHT? then it was the fork and spoon, i mean. i was spacing out that time, so it was only natural that i agree to what you said. but no, you just had to flare up. then i accidentally dropped a piece of fish as i was trying to take out the hair. and she scolded me again. what are the chances of it being my hair? how is it possible that my hair was able to fly to a rando piece of fish that was rather far from me? plus, that was a thin stran of hair, mine is thick damn you.
(i know. chillax melina, but not now. not until i've said enough)
then after that she scolded me for leaving the com on. that was my fault, but the computer was loading something! HOW WAS I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT IT WOULD TAKE SO LONG TO INSTALL THOSE STUFF?! BLAM THE COM, NOT ME. i was afraid that i if i offed it, something bad might happen. with me not having my good days, this kind of stuff were bond to happen. july, my birthday month, but somehow i dilike it just a tad bit.
then it was was innies. i was told to eat damn you. you asked me to do so, and now you're blaming it on me?!? argh. so, i have bad memory, ALRIGHT? I SUCK ALRIGHT? ONE DAY I'LL JUST DIE, AND I BET YOU WOULD BE GLAD THAT I DID. YOU PERSON WITH NO EMPATHY.
you prepared the meals. it was only right that i washed, so i did. you gave me extra money and stuff, i'm grateful for that despite having to worry about the money problem. you raised me up. BUT YOU TREATED ME AS AN 'EXPERIMENT' BABY, AND YOU MADE ME LIVE THIS KIND OF LIFE. COMPARING ME TO MY SIBLINGS. I KNOW I'M STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN, ALRIGHT? I HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOUR WHATEVER CRAP.
i know you are worried about your brother and all, but do you mind? i have feelings too. i'm not a pillow that you could just punch and kick and as if nothing ever happened. i can feel. i'm extremely sensitive to words, mind you. AND I AM YOUR DAUGHTER , MIND YOU. YET, YOU KNOW NOTHING MUCH ABOUT MY LIFE. I TRY TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT, YET YOU DIDN'T WANT TO LISTEN AS YOU ARE TOO ANGRY, OR WHEN YOU WEREN'T I FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT.
i have been rather rude, but what do you expect from a 15 year old? your time and my time is way different. it IS NOT THE SAME. CHECK UP THE DICTIONARY FOR THE DEFINITION OF 'SAME' 'IDENTICAL' OR WHATEVER. you would expect a mature girl who listens to whatever you say. speak plitely and not ding zui. aye, but I AM ME. I AM LIKE THAT. deal with it.
i can change, if you give me time, but you are not. and i'm sick of it. you tore down my motivation. called me awful names that left scars on my heart. made me cry. scolded and beated me in public. shouted at me in public.
do you know how terrible i felt? do you know how much i had to go through? do you know that i had 9 bfs? do you know what it was like having to go through such a life in such a time? do you?
i know that being a mother is hard. i can tell. i know that i'm not able to experience it first hand now. but i time i will. but for now, just let me be this daughter of yours and stop doing things that will permenantly scar me for life. you have done enough damage. so stop.
i dislike you for doing such things. i really do. but i love you too. but only when you are happy. you can get really annoying crappy fcuked up sometimes. i can tell that daddy is unhappy about it too. but he can do nothing. you go daddy. you are awesome man.
Dear lord, help me to really understand what my mother is going through and that i'll be more sensible in time to come. i have done many wrong things in bothe of your eyes. and i really hope that you would forgive me. i just pray that everything will be alright now. that it will be going uphill..that the path will be straight. guide me oh Lord. i lift all my burdens, all my stress, all my worries, everything oh Lord into your hands. AMEN.
part of my memories are gone. i can never get them back anymore. the story goes like this..*SNIFFLES* hardisk was corrupted, couldn't save my precious photos. know they are gone forever. all the netball carnival, wedding, clubhouse, landscapes, flowers, spastic and non spastic friend related shots...ALL GONE.
now i can never see them again. i can never see my beloved clubhouse again. nor can i see the fun moments and happiness captured during the dinner and after that. neither can i see those wonderful action packed moments, sweat fun and etc moments from the net ball carnival again. though most of them are with val koh, but that's not the point. my precious memories. GONE.
WHAT DID MY PHOTOS DO TO DESERVE SUCH A PUNISHMENT? WHY MUST I LOSE THOSE PRECIOUS MEMORIES??
