Dive Into The Heart

The streets sparkle like silver
now that the rain has changed into snow
I could see a dazzling future the color of a dream
that Christmas Day

I looked at you and smiled
on that holy night,
yet your tears overflowed
"I'll love you forever..." So why?

Now the dancing snow is starting to disappear
I look up at the distant sky
Someone new is waiting for me,
but I still harbor those feelings that I can't shake

We used to laugh together back then;
we weren't afraid of anything

But I hurt your gentle spirit
that Christmas Day
Now I'm wandering aimlessly,
searching for those hopes and dreams

The sky I gaze up at
is too big for me to grasp
even if I were able to reach it So Why?

Now the dancing snow is starting to disappear
I'll take the unwavering feelings of that time
and go forth into a new tomorrow,
because we can't go back to that story

As I keep on walking, I can't help but wonder
as the snowflakes melt in my outstretched hand
if maybe someday we'll meet again
and finally be able to tell each other how we really feel

Melina Eng, Lyna or Mel for short.
I breathed my first on 29th July 1993.
Some know me as Little Miss Random,
or the lil emo kid IMMA HAPPY GIRL RIGHT NOW!
Currently studying my forth year in CHIJ Secondary (Toa Payoh)

So here's my life, in bold, italics, and underline.

and she loves photography;
and she loves reading;
and she loves shopping;
and she loves exercising;
and she loves fishing;
and she loves doing her nails;
and she loves hanging out with her friends and family;
and she loves her friends and family;
but most of all, she loves God 'cause He is her mighty saviour :D

Free Web Counters

There are more to come, but almost all of them can be bought from Forever21 online.
If you get any of these for me anytime soon(cause some of them are final sales), I'll love you even more!

▪ Camera (Any suggestions?)
▪ New Phone(iphone 4)
▪ Headphones!(my earpieces are seriously dying)
▪ Belted Shoulder Bag
▪ Watch
▪ Belts of varying thickness
▪ Black and green jacket/hoodie pullover
▪ Painter's Skinny Jeans
▪ Gently Faded Skinny Jeans
▪ Creased and Frayed Skinny jeans
▪ Decorative Fishnets
▪ Heels
▪ Flats

▪ Put GOD first in my life
▪ Be the salt and the light of the world
▪ Do QT daily
▪ Play the keyboard better
▪ Learn how to play the awesomely rocking Bass and the totally slammin' drums
▪ Run every weekday and GET THOSE SKINNY LEGS ASAP
▪ Attend prayer meetings
▪ Meet my (RL)fandoms!

Expanding my army.

crunchyroll ♦ shattered-wings
deviantart ♦ twilight-reflection
facebook ♦ ribbonized
lastfm ♦ twoanyone
livejournal ♦ loveproof_not
twitter ♦ _MMHN
plurk ♦ ribbonized

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Don't be complacent after receiving a few praises(that's the worst thing ever).

Work harder, no slacking.

June is a time to study, not a time to play(excluding the movie marathons).

Chinese 'O's are in two weeks, so buck up and get it done once and for all. Chinese workbooks, here I come.

English and Math prelims are coming soon, so do well and pour all your energy for the remaining subjects.

After Lotte-chan's card is done, prepare for 'O's and Prelims.

Oh, the stress. The pressure.

Goodbye freedom.

What I'll miss the most would be hanging out with my loves, losing track of time as always, coming up with believable excuses for our parents...
Now they are just memories, being stashed away until needed.

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Oh the joy. My wrist watch beeped annoyingly while I stare at in in shock and frustration as it read 8am. I was late!

After tying my hair for the fifth time, I gave up on it and just left it like that, hoping that it looks neat enough to past the check. Recently I just found out that I could actually do an okay job of tying french pleats. It seem hard at first, but after the next few tries, it got slightly better. The moment my dad stopped the car, I flung the car door open and ran like the wind towards R203 and gosh, I felt extremely unfit.

Taking my seat, a councilor walked by and told me to neaten up my hair a little more. Damn, and I though this time it was pretty neat other than that tuff of hair sticking out like a sore thumb nearing the end of the pleats. So, my next stop was the restroom. It took me less than 3 minutes to tie my usual hairstyle. :D

Then it began after 30 minutes of sitting in the hall, watching a video being played over and over again.

A speech by the principal and the guest of honor, followed by the guitar performance. I must say that the guitar did a great of of playing louder this time. Still, I felt like sleeping. Prize giving ceremony came after that. What a rip off. The school laminated one of the year's certificates but not this year's. Oh and I take back what I said for Choir. Sure, they have beautiful voices but I just don't like that song.

And it goes on, finally coming to an end with the school song, which the Concert Band played faster than usual and slowed down like every single school song they play. They still have some bugs to work out with their in build metronome.

Honestly speaking, I really wanted to just leave after Honor's Day was over. like I said, I was tired. Although that would mean I being an irresponsible committee member and that would mean bad news. My stomach was growling like a Jeannette's in the morning so I headed down to the canteen, sat down and got the rest of the members to fill me in on what they have discussed so far.

The food was alright I guess, but I expected it to be better. D: No eclairs. DARN IT. JOEY GOT TO EAT THEM. Double darn it.

Left school at around 2, bought my lunch and went home to eat it. :D The madness began after lunch as I sat down to do Math for three hours. I did walk around a little in between to get a drink or to stretch, other than that it was numbers, graphs and the same old letters.

Now, I'm trying to find the full version of Love Story by Taylor Swift. that song brings back many fun memories during camp and to top it all off, I have got to do three up to standard weekly sketches for Art.

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These ghosts came alive
like water and wine

Walk through these streets
singing songs and carrying signs

To them these streets belong

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Five more days, and counting.

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Woke up early this morning
Was stuck down to the bed
I dragged myself to start my day
And a hard pain pierced my head

Woke up early this morning
Was stuck down to the bed
Homework starts pouring in
Oh wow, another five more days

Five more days till the end of freedom
My...wonderful freedom
Five more days, just five more days
Till all hell breaks loose

Five more days till it all ends
My... wonderful freedom
Five more days, just five more days
Till all hell breaks loose

Oh, how I wish tomorrow never comes
How I wish that, oh how I wish...
But it will never come through
looking at the black sky, wishing with all my might

Wishing upon that glowing star
that falls down at the stroke of midnight
leaving behind what seems to be
A bright glowing scar

And so...

Five more days till the end of freedom
My...wonderful freedom
Five more days, just five more days
Till all hell breaks loose...

Woke up early this morning
Was stuck down to the bed
I dragged myself to start my day
and oh wow, another five more days...

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Argh. I woke up today with a terrible muscle ache affecting both my arms. It hurts so much to stretch them. Once again, after setting countless alarms to get myself off the bed, it took me an hour and forty minutes to finally get up. I was awake(more or less) through out the whole time but the bed felt so good...

Ever since Sunday school ended, my alarms on Sundays are so messed up. I woke up at intervals of five minutes starting from 7.50am, according to the usual timing. Then I just lazed around until I have just enough time to prepare and get to church right before service started. It was kind of awkward to just walk into the room just before service started, like seriously. It's just, all...so weird.

Speaking about service, today was the last service of the year. It was all too fast for me. A year has passed in a blink of an eye. Testimonies were shared, about how much they grew over the years. Seeing myself, I think I hardly grew at all. Not physically, I mean. SPIRITUALLY. Learning how to open up is not an easy task. Neither is striking up a conversation with someone an easy task too. Finding topics to talk about may be a piece of cake for you, but for me, it's like climbing Mt. Everest. Well, not to that extent, but you get what I mean.

Seeing how people, you and me alike seem to do that effortlessly makes me jealous. How can one do that so easily?

...

Service was great, but it seems that my mind's like a blank most of the time. Like it is now. Darn. Black out. I can't remember. ): Goodnight world.

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It's raining again.




I hate it when it rains. I have a feeling that the rest of the day won't be good.

-EDIT, 2.06pm-

Hmm. It stopped.

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I'm torn crushed shattered into pieces, so what?
I'm a loner procrastinator unpopular, so what?
I got stepped on shout at screamed at yell at slapped, so what?
I can't let go of the past and the past can't let go of me, so what?
I fall I cry I laugh I attempted suicide, but I can always count on all on yall. My wonderful angels. :D

loner. loner. loner. D:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
i sweared...fine i didn't swear, but i promised that i would never visit your blog again. happy in love. the two of you. bleah. jealousy reeks yo. my heart bleeds when i miss you. even if i don't love you, you were once a part of my life, a part of me. seeing you walking out of my life was heartbreaking, but seeing you this happy... i'm glad that you found happiness, but i'm unhappy because i still feel something. you left scars on my heart, and it will never heal, it can only be covered up.

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OKAY OKAY.
BEFORE I START THIS WHOLE NEW POST...
Let me tell you something about myself.
I can fake happiness. Here and to my friends. All just for one reason: I don't want yall to worry.
SERIOUSLY.
My mom worries enough about me and it's bad for her health. Ice-kun is over-protective in a nice way and gets real worried when something goes wrong. Adrian...well, lets just say that he will just go haha, look at what you've done. Then there's my dad, who worries because my mom worries about me. Then there's Kenna, who wenta re you alright? and even offered to come over to my house once, (how sweet of her!). OH! Not to forget Val. XD

HAHAH.
Now that's over. XD
My study date with Val didn't really go as well as I though it would be. I mean, It was fine for her. We mugged at Gloria Jeans which by the way have the best coffee ever! Though they kept playing songs, so it was rather annoying. I could even study. I only managed to memorise and understand this huge chunk of biology notes.

Carbohydrates

Monocharrides. They are reducing sugars, which mean if you were to test them with the Benedic's test(the one with the copper() sulphate, blu in colour), the result would be a positive one. Examples of monocharrides are glucose, fructose and galactose.

Dicharrides. They are non reducing sugars, which mean if you were to test them using Benedic's test, the result would be a negative ont. You would then have to add HCL and boil it to have a positove result as the HCL breaks down the Disacharrides into monocharrides. Examples of Dicharrides are Maltose(glucose+glucose), Lactose(glucose+galactose) and Sucrose(glucose +fructose).Polycharrides. Examples of polycharrides are starch and erm...glycogen(sp?).

Functions...
1) They provide energy
2) They make lubricants for example, mucus which are secreted by the mucus membrane
3) They form nucleic acids. For example, DNA( Deoxyribo nucleic Acid)

Proteins

There are 20 types of anmino acids. Amino acids join to form polypeptides and one or more polypeptides join to form a protein molecule.

Functions...
1) They provide energy
2) The repair and replace damaged and worned out cells
3) They make protoplasm for new cell growth
4) They protect our bodies by forming antibodies(there are more, but I forgot)

Fats
They are made out of three molecules of fatty acids and one molecule of glycerol.

Functions...
1) They are a solvent for fat soluble hormones and vitamins
2) The provide (the most)energy
3) They prevent water loss
4) They provide insulation against heat loss
5) They form part of the cell surface membrane(I think there are more, but I forgot)

Mineral Salts

Examples of mineral salts are vitamin C and D.

Vitamin D:
Helps in the absorbsion of Iron to form haemoglobin

Vitamin C:
errrr.....

Functions...

Vitamin D:
1)Makes iron for haomoglobin?

errrr. lets just skip to water, alright? I'll just edit this next time. XD
Water has no nutritional value!!!!

1) Helps to regulate body temperature via presperation
2) Lubricants in joints
3)Maintains the shape of the virtueous humoour and the aqueous humour and the foetus( in the snynovial cavity with the synotic fluid)
4)Used as solvents in reactions.

OH NOES! I NEED TO REREVISE BIOLOGY!!!

okay okay. I'm not as hyper as I was when I started typing this post.
Church was alright today, though I was distracted. Kenna and all finally gave me the awesomeness keyboard pedal, and I eded up smiling like an idiot for sometime. XD

THANKS FOR ALL WHO CHIPPED IN! I think I said this more than 3 times yo...
-LEONARD!
-KENNA!
-SUZANNE!
-HUI QI!
-LING HUI!( who knew? XD)

Yeah. Then disscussed some stuff for Brother's night. I shall not talk much about it, as I am sure that the guys will see this so yeah. XD Dangerous yo. ONE WORD: FUN

Hmm, then I went home and stoned in front of the stupid 40 something inch grey box, more commonly known as a television. Now I'm currently blogging and about to do some research on runes and summarise some stuff for Charlotte for Geography. I CAN BE MEAN AND NOT SUMMARISE IT FOR HER, BUT I'M NOT THAT MEAN. It's temping though. Her Geography grade for CA(0%) would be down the drain yo. XD

Hmm.

Better start work. Gosh I'm bored.Talk to me Adrian. I'm just plain bored. Oh and Jeffrey if you ever see this give me a call.

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Depression
It is a sign of zi-low. A sign that one is trapped in their own world of self-sympathy. It shows lack of control of one's emotions. It is not accepted in social circles. It is disruptive to one's studies/work. It is destructive to one's body and mind. It is an obstruction for teenagers' parents. It gives one the 'courage' to do crazy things that they never dared to do.

Conclusion, it is evil.

Somehow, this evil thing is in me.

So.. how do I get rid of it?

Feeling depressed is just an under-statement.

I got that from Na's blog. ^^'
Well, all I can say is, WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU NA.
Even I have this evil thing in me, HECK we all do.

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hmmm, in two hours and 37 mins, I would be a 15 year old. I should get a "day-off", right? No tests. Nothing. But no, they just had to put two CAs tomorrow. Oh wow.

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Melina is looking back to the times when she was in secondary one, when she, Shannen and Shanthini were best friends. They did practically almost everything together. Melina thought that her friendship with both Shannen and Shanthini would never end.
They would never fail to put a smile on her face and being with them was what brought her joy in school.

It was until all three of them were in their third year in IJ, when Melina noticed that they didn't neeed her anymore. 'She is just too good' they thought. They had went their own ways, although Shannen is still with her, they seldom spoke.

Although Melina doesn't mind, it was getting kind of lonely in the class...

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we did laugh at the end of the day, we would cry together on some days. we'd share our days and our perks, what what made us feel this way.
we would bicker and scold.
we would shout and scream.
we would throw our temper around, like how a fire spreads itself. sometimes it got so out of control, not even the whole fire department could cool us down.
we would sit there and reflect, and cry if we we must.
she may be my mother and i her daughter, the youngest in the family.
though i find that we are more alike as the days fly by.
it is said that the first born is the exact opposite, the second half and the third to be the exact copy of the mother.

she did it because she loves me.
He did it because He loves us. He died on the cross for us.
how wonderful is His love, His unconditional love!

i feel so happy,















yet lost and empty.

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i read it. i get jealous. angry. frustrated. annoyed(my fav word to use nowadays). sad. bah. why did i read it? it was interesting, that's why. i was bored that's why. i'm changing that's why. i don't want to.
i want to stay the same, i want it to be this way. things i hold close to my heart, are...moving further away.

help i need help.

i may seem fine. i may look fine. i may say that i'm fine, but i'm not.
gaining my trust is as easy as pie, losing it is also as easy.

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what time is it? can you tell? can you even see?





what time is it? what is time? why must it move? why must everything change due to time?





what time is it? why must time fly past so fast when i just want it to stop?


what time is it? why must time slow down, when i want to to be fly by?


what time is it? really, what is time?

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into your hands
i commit again
with all i am for you lord
you hold my world in the palm of your hands
and i am yours forever
Jesus i believe in you
jesus i belong to you
you're the reason that i live
the reason that i sing
with all i am...

^v^
we stand and lift up your hands
for the joy of the Lord is our strength
we bow down and worship you know
hw great how awesome is he
together we sing
everyone sing
hold is the Lord, God almighty
the earth is filled with His glory
holy is the Lord, God almighty
the earth is filled with His glory
the earth is filled with His glory..


i walk by faith each step by faith
to live by faith i put my trust in You
i walk by faith each step by faith
to live by faith i put my trust in You

...
Thank you God.

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well, if you guys hadn't know any better, you would not have left me home alone. the thing about me is, i do quite a lot of thinking while i'm alone. no noise, no static, nothing. peace and quite and only the sound of cars driving past my block disturbs my trail of thought.

-if you guys really left me there to think and all,(depressed) you would find that i have a personal Counsellor following me around all day long.-

and guess what? i did most of my thinkings in the most unbelievable place of all. the bathroom(calling it 'toilet' would sound so weird right now).

today, i had MESSY G, which actually means MASS CG. creative name no? jacob led us through the whole thing. we played the 'masking tape' game, whereby you have to guess what's written on it by asking only 'yes' or 'no' questions. he made it on 'hard mode' just for us, since we knew the game so well.

i found mine very hard to guess, only realising that the i was actually wearing the answer, thanks to my awesome bro, clement. each 'yes' or 'no' question i asked became a blur right after i got the answer. i couldn't really focus on what i was. my bro and xue wei couldn't figure theirs out too.

in the end, jacob cahnged the game to some sort like, charrades or taboo, and not only did we managed to guess it correctly, WE DID IT IN RECORD TIME. xue wei was a shower cap, my bro was a photograph and i was a digital watch.

then we played caps ball and that was when i knew that i really sucked at it. no one threw me the ball. well, fine they did, but i messed it up. i threw too hard and the ball flew out. then there was a handicap thing. i was paired up with xin pei(XP) who kept asking me if i was alright. the guys were masked up too. the thing that made us LOL was that they were masked on their legs.

imagine if jacob used the green ultra sticky one as the first and only layer. the guys would so get a wax. especially chng.

then we had worship(heh, the phrase that popped up in my head immediately after typing this was and 'then there was evening, and there was morning' the next day. sound familiar?) which jacob led and chng was the guitarist. before that, he explained the meanings behind the games which really set me thinking.

it was about us being handicapped, whereby we would choose to have or want to have a perfect team of players. he then told us something about some church, where the people who you saw were they short and friendly kinds. once it was time for a cac caps ball event, it was a whole different picture. somehow the people seem taller and are more skilled than you ever thought them to be.

we would always want to send out our best players , to create this perfect picture.
those who had the handicap rule on them, how did they felt? basically the ball flew to them less, although they still managed to find their place in the game. the ones who were in threes or masked by their legs were some sort of anchor or defence mechanism.

XP and i were actually the exact opposite( well, i was). we got more throws, we went all out to chase the ball.

then there was the masking tape. what he said really applied to me, actually it applied to everyone that was present. we kept asking questions to get to know more about ourselves, yet we only get answers that were redundant/of no use/not much help. he shared that he was like that too. we kept trying out new things, to really find out who we are the stick with it until we reach secondary school,weher we ask even more questions to find out who am i really am? yet, we always get less than satifactory answers.

then when he changed the game to charrades/ taboo like, we got the answers almost immediately. it means that we may not get the answers that we really want, but through the people we got to know in church, our cliques, our mates... and GOD
they would guide us, and help us to really find out who we are.

we each have a special bond within our cg mates. an even more special bond than our other friends, although that doesn't give us the right to walk up to them and say, " hey, you're not my friend." or something like that. they are still our friends.

next was the enjoyable worship, and the clothes peg competition. i rushed out my peg, so it looked kinda not up to my standards. i painted it brown. and did some nice stuff with my awesome copic marker.

frankly speaking, i was feeling a little messed up, with questions popping into my head like, "why wasn't mine chosen?" sorta thing. i mean, i worked kinda hard for it, and yet, i wasn't one of the chosen ones. i know you guys are so thinking, "wth?!? it's only a damn clothes peg."

i know that too, but me being ME had to be unsatisfied with everything. i was angry( i think..as i can't seem to find any word to describe how i was feeling) witn jacob. and seeing that the ones that he chose were the ones that were brightly coloured. i was so annoyed( ah, i found a word!).

yeah, and that kind of bothered me for a while. it's good to get things off your chest.

after that i was doing my usual thing, taking photos. i got some pretty nice shots if you ask me. i'll put them up here later.

well, as i was saying way before the update and all on messy g...
the thing that kept coming into my mind was what MATT, WHO WAS OUR SPEAKER FOR THE CAC CONNECT! CAMP said. do not try to impress others. was what he said.
i tried to impress my parents and i tried to impress my friends. i wanted to be perfect in both my parent's and friend's eyes.

BUT DID I EVER THOUGHT OF BEING PERFECT IN GOD'S EYES?
the answer was a straight out "NO".
DID I PUT HIM FIRST IN MY LIFE, OR IN EVERYTHING THAT I DO?
still a "no".

then my mind whirled around these two questions, and it suddenly led to why i came for this messy g. and during the prayer i felt so guilty. i came for this cause i had nothing better to do. i had actually completed the last of my homework, which was chinese 2am this morning. it was a day for me to slack in front of the computer, yet i came. i somehow thought that stoning in front of the com for hours was actually a bad idea.
so i came. it was indeed a truly bad idea. stoning in front of the com i mean.

i felt guilty, when jacob was talking about the friends and all, the people who were not here, but what hit me the most was about the attendance.
he asked how many percent of ym was here? we gave our answers and he told us that he himeself didn't have a clue.

and that for now, the attendance IS 100%. it was not about how many people came, but our attitude, our heart, on why we came. we came because we wanted to come. that hit the spot. i hadn't been going for ANY of the past cgs that they had.

BULLS EYE DUDE.
i felt, as if the whole world was about to fall right on me, and i could do nothing about it. i felt helpless. i felt guilty. I WAS GUILTY. I AM GUILTY.
these things just came at me like bullets from a machine gun. FAST AND DEADLY.
so much that i noticed that tears came into my eyes. i mean i wasn't crying and all, and definitely not sobbing. but i just felt... i just felt..

*sigh*

and what jacob said had been on my mind ever since i got home.

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