Church~
[ 10:39 PM ]
Last night, I practiced the songs till 1230 am. I wanted to be prepared for it, since I had to start off the two Chinese songs. I then dragged(literally) myself up to the bed and within minutes, I knocked out. Then I woke up, thinking that there were still hours left till my alarm rang. I checked my handphone(Thank God that it still had about half a bar) and was irritated by the fact that my alarm would go off in a minute.
Although the alarm tone is
Mirotic, My oh-so-favourite song, it still bugs me whenever I have to wake up THAT early in the morning. This has been, so far, the most tiring weekend ever. The pink numbers were screaming at me. 730am, it's time to wake up get ready and practice the songs til 945 later that morning.
My muscles were still aching from yesterday's amazing race during CG. Every step I took, I felt like running back to my bed and just lie there. The pain is much better now, although playing the keyboard made it slightly worst.
The Chinese songs were my first piority as I seriously had to get them right. Followed by the first song, then the second. Finally the Doxology. After playing a decent Doxology, I felt rather proud of myself but soon, that smile was wiped away the moment I though of how it was going to be like later.
Skipped prayer meeting. ):
When the class started, I then realised how much I missed when I was away. they actually covered the whole of James and were re-capping chapter five, the last chapter today. Jasmine talked about many things. Things that were unfamiliar and things that had my guilt conscience up and ready to go. We touched a little on swearing, on why we shouldn't swear. Sin leads to death eventually. Now, that's no shocker.
Next was service. Su was being a dear and prayed for me. Taking this time to reflect, I remember someone saying that serving is another way to get closer to God. But, what if, you just concentrate TOO much on getting it right? What if you HAD the right heart in the beginning of worship but changed and focused on playing instead?
I mean, it isn't wrong in wanting to give your best to God right? I was trying to hard to play 6 decent songs for Him, yet I found out one thing. The harder I try, the more I focus on playing, the worst I become. It's a fact. Just listen out to my playing and compare it to when I first started. I was filled with so much passion to serve God, whenever, where ever.
Yes, though I am still filled with the passion to serve God, I realised that focusing too much is not good, neither is focusing less. We need to balance it out and then we can serve God. In my point of view that is. Not only that, ever since I've stopped doing my daily QT from the exam period, I have this weird emptiness in me. The same exact one that I felt when I was sick on a Sunday and did not go to church. God is the one who lights my path and shows me the way. But, now I feel like a lost sheep. Standing at cross roads having no clue whatsoever of which path I should take.
Weird. Have I gotten so used to this feeling that I won't feel extremely confuse, break down and cry? That was the first time when I actually left God, and yes. I had mentioned it countless times here. *sigh* I really want to serve God, but I want to serve God with my full potential. I know that there are many, MANY people in this church who are way better than me at playing keyboard.
Hui Qi is that one person. Sure, she lacks confidence, but I do too. She would be an extremely good keyboardist if she is able to have more confidence. She took piano lessons and is much more experience in the chords and etc.
-rah.hungry-
I feel real bad that I'm unable to play as well as the others, making tonnes more mistakes than ever each time I step up to play, and I feel very discouraged by it. I see myself getting from better to worst each time I'm on stage and Shaun has to keep helping me time and again. Today's worship was by far, the worst one. For me that it. There were emptiness, and when the band counted on me to fill it up, I my fingers just stunned and my heart started to beat rapidly.
The many pauses and mistakes really made me wonder how I actually came this far. Yes, I know it is by God, that he has bestowed me with such a gift, a gift of playing the keyboard. Yet if one receives a gift and doesn't put it into use, what good is it? *sighs* I really am very depressed by my performance today. Though I could worship Him during the easier songs, like
Great awakening.
There's going to be a great awakening
There's going to be a great revival in our land~
Doxology was the, fine.I wouldn't say the worst but it wasn't good. I could tell. I actually missed the first few chords as I needed some time to flip to the page which had the chords. Then Shaun started off first, thinking that I wasn't playing the doxology. I am suppose to have memorized it by now. Gosh, I feel like a failure.
And no, I really feel that I don't deserve your time that is taken out to encourage me, as I'm complacent. But, if I' not encouraged, I'll feel this urge to just give up. *sighs* Singing Christian songs always made it better. :)
Joooooooooooy
I've got the joy in my heart
peeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace
I've got the peace in my heart
Speaking of that, I remember singing Christian songs in my head the whole time. When I'm happy, depressed, worried, nervous, terrified... a song would always pop up and calm me down :) Maybe I should try that again...
Labels: it's time to pray
