i know you can't see this. just in case you do, TITTLED::ALONE
[ 10:00 PM ]
well, if you guys hadn't know any better, you would not have left me home alone. the thing about me is, i do quite a lot of thinking while i'm alone. no noise, no static, nothing. peace and quite and only the sound of cars driving past my block disturbs my trail of thought.
-if you guys really left me there to think and all,(depressed) you would find that i have a personal Counsellor following me around all day long.-
and guess what? i did most of my thinkings in the most unbelievable place of all. the bathroom(calling it 'toilet' would sound so weird right now).
today, i had MESSY G, which actually means MASS CG. creative name no? jacob led us through the whole thing. we played the 'masking tape' game, whereby you have to guess what's written on it by asking only 'yes' or 'no' questions. he made it on 'hard mode' just for us, since we knew the game so well.
i found mine very hard to guess, only realising that the i was actually wearing the answer, thanks to my awesome bro, clement. each 'yes' or 'no' question i asked became a blur right after i got the answer. i couldn't really focus on what i was. my bro and xue wei couldn't figure theirs out too.
in the end, jacob cahnged the game to some sort like, charrades or taboo, and not only did we managed to guess it correctly, WE DID IT IN RECORD TIME. xue wei was a shower cap, my bro was a photograph and i was a digital watch.
then we played caps ball and that was when i knew that i really sucked at it. no one threw me the ball. well, fine they did, but i messed it up. i threw too hard and the ball flew out. then there was a handicap thing. i was paired up with xin pei(XP) who kept asking me if i was alright. the guys were masked up too. the thing that made us LOL was that they were masked on their legs.
imagine if jacob used the green ultra sticky one as the first and only layer. the guys would so get a wax. especially chng.
then we had worship(heh, the phrase that popped up in my head immediately after typing this was and 'then there was evening, and there was morning' the next day. sound familiar?) which jacob led and chng was the guitarist. before that, he explained the meanings behind the games which really set me thinking.
it was about us being handicapped, whereby we would choose to have or want to have a perfect team of players. he then told us something about some church, where the people who you saw were they short and friendly kinds. once it was time for a cac caps ball event, it was a whole different picture. somehow the people seem taller and are more skilled than you ever thought them to be.
we would always want to send out our best players , to create this perfect picture.
those who had the handicap rule on them, how did they felt? basically the ball flew to them less, although they still managed to find their place in the game. the ones who were in threes or masked by their legs were some sort of anchor or defence mechanism.
XP and i were actually the exact opposite( well, i was). we got more throws, we went all out to chase the ball.
then there was the masking tape. what he said really applied to me, actually it applied to everyone that was present. we kept asking questions to get to know more about ourselves, yet we only get answers that were redundant/of no use/not much help. he shared that he was like that too. we kept trying out new things, to really find out who we are the stick with it until we reach secondary school,weher we ask even more questions to find out who am i really am? yet, we always get less than satifactory answers.
then when he changed the game to charrades/ taboo like, we got the answers almost immediately. it means that we may not get the answers that we really want, but through the people we got to know in church, our cliques, our mates... and GOD
they would guide us, and help us to really find out who we are.
we each have a special bond within our cg mates. an even more special bond than our other friends, although that doesn't give us the right to walk up to them and say, " hey, you're not my friend." or something like that. they are still our friends.
next was the enjoyable worship, and the clothes peg competition. i rushed out my peg, so it looked kinda not up to my standards. i painted it brown. and did some nice stuff with my awesome copic marker.
frankly speaking, i was feeling a little messed up, with questions popping into my head like, "why wasn't mine chosen?" sorta thing. i mean, i worked kinda hard for it, and yet, i wasn't one of the chosen ones. i know you guys are so thinking, "wth?!? it's only a damn clothes peg."
i know that too, but me being ME had to be unsatisfied with everything. i was angry( i think..as i can't seem to find any word to describe how i was feeling) witn jacob. and seeing that the ones that he chose were the ones that were brightly coloured. i was so annoyed( ah, i found a word!).
yeah, and that kind of bothered me for a while. it's good to get things off your chest.
after that i was doing my usual thing, taking photos. i got some pretty nice shots if you ask me. i'll put them up here later.
well, as i was saying way before the update and all on messy g...
the thing that kept coming into my mind was what MATT, WHO WAS OUR SPEAKER FOR THE CAC CONNECT! CAMP said. do not try to impress others. was what he said.
i tried to impress my parents and i tried to impress my friends. i wanted to be perfect in both my parent's and friend's eyes.
BUT DID I EVER THOUGHT OF BEING PERFECT IN GOD'S EYES?the answer was a straight out "NO".
DID I PUT HIM FIRST IN MY LIFE, OR IN EVERYTHING THAT I DO?still a "no".
then my mind whirled around these two questions, and it suddenly led to why i came for this messy g. and during the prayer i felt so guilty. i came for this cause i had nothing better to do. i had actually completed the last of my homework, which was chinese 2am this morning. it was a day for me to slack in front of the computer, yet i came. i somehow thought that stoning in front of the com for hours was actually a bad idea.
so i came. it was indeed a truly bad idea. stoning in front of the com i mean.
i felt guilty, when jacob was talking about the friends and all, the people who were not here, but what hit me the most was about the attendance.
he asked how many percent of ym was here? we gave our answers and he told us that he himeself didn't have a clue.
and that for now, the attendance IS 100%. it was not about how many people came, but our attitude, our heart, on why we came. we came because we wanted to come. that hit the spot. i hadn't been going for
ANY of the past cgs that they had.
BULLS EYE DUDE.
i felt, as if the whole world was about to fall right on me, and i could do nothing about it. i felt helpless. i felt guilty. I WAS GUILTY. I
AM GUILTY.
these things just came at me like bullets from a machine gun. FAST AND DEADLY.
so much that i noticed that tears came into my eyes. i mean i wasn't crying and all, and definitely not sobbing. but i just felt... i just felt..
*sigh*
and what jacob said had been on my mind ever since i got home.
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